Wahoo, another chapter of Avatar is up! I hope you all enjoy it.

Sorry that the writing is going so slow. I’m having a pretty hard time focusing on my writing nowadays. It’s annoying, and I know the cause, but have yet to be able to fix it. So, I distract myself with things like Command & Conquerer 3.

Now I’m going to descend into somewhat maudlin crap. So feel free to skip it, because I’ve already said what I’m going to say about Avatar for this entry. If you’re gonna read the rest, be aware that I’m not looking for pity, or even advice. Unless it’s really useful advice, of course 🙂

I’ve been looking around at my life and asking questions. People do that a lot, I’m sure. As you might have read in earlier entries, 2006 wasn’t exactly a banner year for my wife and I. I survived it, which is something, I suppose. But I’d like to do more than survive. There’s a lot about my life that couldn’t be better, but there’s some stuff that’s just plain scary.

Like sitting in my stall — er cube — at work and wishing that I could write. For reasons that I won’t go into, I can’t even bring a cell phone into my work place, so having a palm pilot to write things down on is way not happening. The computers are monitored, and I sure as hell ain’t writing porn (or any other kind of writing) on a company computer. And really, I wouldn’t do that anyway, since I’m there to work, not fuck around. Putting down an occasional note or something is fine. I mean, people take smoke breaks, so if I get something I want to jot down for a few minutes, I don’t see anything wrong with that. But since I see my job as essentially useless, the call to write is very, very strong.

No, what’s really wrong is the job itself. And I think the last year has shown me that, thanks to the company I work for, I’m very out of touch with certain kinds of tech — like the kind I tried to build my career around. I can still do it, but no one, and I mean no fucking body, will hire you if you don’t have the latest and greatest tech skills, on tap, right now. At least, not in the tech starved area of the country I live in. Doesn’t matter if you have years and years of experience in the tech field. Fuck no. They don’t want you as a valued employee — they want you as a piece of meat in a chair that can just do what they want until they get around to shipping that job off to fucking East India and firing your ass.

Bitter? Me? Naaa. I just know what I saw in 9 months of interviewing last year. I have skills. I have experience. I’m pretty smart. I almost always make it to the point where it’s between me and one other guy for the position. But the other guy I’m competing against has actually been doing the fucking job I want to do, and my useless, shitty company, has me doing paperwork. It has all of the senior engineers doing paperwork and powerpoint engineering. It’s very depressing. It’s like I’m trapped there, and have no marketable skills anymore, and the situation there isn’t all that rosy even if I wanted to stay.

I’ve spent months thinking about what else I could do for a living. But I’m trapped there too. I need to maintain a house, and now it’s also very important to have good medical insurance. Taking a lower paying job means losing my house, and at my age, I’m not prepared to do that.

Ah well. Something will come along. Or it won’t, and I’ll end up dropping dead in a hallway in the very company that made sure I couldn’t get a job anywhere else. Pretty thought.

So, if you are curious why Avatar chapters are few and far between, perhaps this’ll help explain it.


About Dark Pen

I am Dark Pen. I write BDSM stories, almost always with plot and consider myself a Soldier in the battle against America's war on sex.
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6 Responses to

  1. thekat03 says:

    along the lines of getting yourself into a better job… how feasible would it be to work on teaching yourself more of the latest tech stuff in your free time? i’m guessing you won’t be able to get that sort of education on the job, since they sound kind of sucky like that. doing this will take even more time away from writing in the short-term, but hopefully will get you into a better situation long-term.

    • Dark Pen says:

      Been workin’ that angle. Problem is, I’m not sure anymore that doing that sort of low level programming is where I should be anymore.

      • zerok0 says:

        Low Level Programing
        Well, I am not sure what type of programing you prefer, But the big things these days for web development are web applications built using AJAX (“Asynchronous JavaScript and XML”… ofcorse it doesn’t need to XML or Asynchronous… but it is still called AJAX). Web development companies are desperate for developers that know AJAX. Generally what they are looking for are not just people who know how to use it, but more to the point when to use it.
        (Basically ajax lets browsers connect back to the server with out having to reload the web page… best example is maps.google.com)
        The nice thing about it is it is pretty quick to pick up.
        if you have any question feel free to email me ducky1@cybersquad.net (note I get a lot of spam to this account, so if I don’t respond email me again)

  2. girlgeek says:

    Thanks for the new chapter 🙂
    As for the everything else, it’s like I always say, what’s the point of having a livejournal if you can’t be maudlin every so often?

    • Dark Pen says:

      Heh. Thanks. I try not to be. After all, people don’t read this thing just to listen to me bitch. Interestingly enough, I’m not really sure why people do read the damned thing 🙂

  3. Anonymous says:

    I hear ya’
    I have been in your position before, hating work but feeling as if I can’t leave. Unfortunately I self-destructed and got my ass fired. I spent a year eating up almost all of my savings, dealing with a very pissed off wife and seaching seaching, searching. Finally found a better job. I had to take about a 15 percent pay cut but now, three years later, am almost back where I was salary-wise and much, much happier. My reason for writing is to share how I resolved my extreme dissatisfaction and hopefully warn you away from doing it my way.” It really sucked. Take select classes at a university, network your ass off (after all the resumes and interviews I did, my job ended up coming through a long-time friend who kept her ears open on my behalf, recommended me to an executive she knew contact and it went from there.) I hope you can avoid feeling the despair that screwed me up. Feeling trapped led me to some really nasty side-effects. And by the way, I am complete engrossed in Avatar. Don’t forget that in the midst of all this, you’re an excellent writer…

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